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How to Avoid Family Conflict During the Holidays
In an ideal world, the holidays would only be filled with good times and happy memories. Unfortunately, most people don’t exist in that uncomplicated reality. It seems like every family has at least one relative who excels at creating drama during the holidays. When you’re around such negative or aggressive people, it’s common to feel apprehensive, defensive, and uncomfortable. Your body may react to heightened situations by secreting excessive amounts of adrenaline or cortisol, which can make you feel even more worried and stressed. Family Conflict Instigators There are many reasons why arguments flare up during holiday gatherings. Some people want to be the center of every conversation. Other family members just enjoy creating drama. Here’s a look at some stock characters who create family conflict: The Meddler Every family gathering is sure to have a gossiper, whose negative or critical remarks ignite emotional brushfires everywhere she goes. Also present at many holiday get-togethers is the offensive loudmouth, who has no filter and doesn’t hesitate to inform you that you’ve gained weight since the last time he saw you. The Liquidator Alcohol can make some people happy and others moody and mean.¹ Liquid courage has been known to loosen tongues and lower inhibitions. For people who love stirring the pot by bringing up controversial or politically charged topics, alcohol can act as an accelerant for all manner of bad behaviors. The Antagonizer A family member may have aggressive tendencies that drives them to be combative. Many people are stimulated by arguments and seek out family conflict. If they can lure you into a debate, the low energy in their frontal brain is stimulated, and that rush temporarily makes them feel better. Don’t let your anger become their medication. They can get addicted to it! So, how do you handle someone who thrives on instigating family conflict? Fighting fire with fire, by raising your voice or using abusive or unsavory language, certainly won’t help matters. Avoiding confrontations isn’t the answer either, since minimizing or brushing aside a dispute may further embolden the aggressor and make things even worse. To effectively deal with disagreements, handle them calmly and appropriately as they happen. Here are some practical ways to prevent family conflict this holiday season: Simple Ways to Keep the Peace & Avoid Holiday Feuds Keep Your Cool To prevent a pressure-packed situation from getting out of hand, always keep your cool. Discipline yourself to remain quiet until you’re calm enough to speak at a normal volume and in a kind tone. Closely monitor your comments and reactions to make sure they’re coming from a rational place, rather than an emotional one. Be sure to offer thoughtful advice rather than criticism. Tone of voice is crucial in disarming a potentially volatile situation. Always model calm behavior and others will likely follow your example. Take a Time-out When someone raises their voice or begins to lose their temper, take a family time-out. This type of collective breather involves everyone in the family going to a separate part of the house for a designated period (typically 10-15 minutes). Spending some time away from other family members may help everyone settle down and forget about the argument. A cooldown period only works if you have buy-in from the entire family, so make sure everyone agrees with taking a time-out to avoid starting yet another argument. Distract Yourself Some people have the ability to mentally escape to a happy place during heated discussions or tense moments. Others can sing a song in their head to distract themselves. Hopefully, you won’t have to literally bite your tongue to remain silent, but whatever you need to do to keep from being dragged into the middle of a family feud is worth trying. Try Whispering When others are yelling, start whispering. The dramatic change in the decibel level of your voice will most likely make everyone stop talking to hear what you have to say. Something in our psyche makes us lean in and listen more attentively when someone is whispering. This tactic has been used with great success from board rooms to political assemblies. If a family argument is getting out of control, try whispering to see if you can get everyone’s attention. Then you can attempt to deescalate the conflict. Build a Bridge Instead of trying to convince the other person that your viewpoint is correct, attempt to understand their perspective as well. The main objective isn’t to win the argument but to remove potential threats, address concerns, and find common ground with the other person. Building a bridge is one of the best ways to avert a quarrel before it even starts. Take It Outside When drawn into a discussion that makes you feel uncomfortable, look for a way to redirect the conversation. If that doesn’t work, find a polite way to remove yourself from the situation. Another strategy is to get the entire family outside for some fun and exercise.² This is an effective way to let off some steam when things get too tense inside the house. It’s been said that the holidays bring out the best and worst in people. When it comes to the latter, you don’t have to let someone else ruin your holiday. Practicing these conflict management strategies can help to ensure that everyone in your family enjoys a fun-filled, stress-free holiday season. The BrainMD team wishes you and yours a safe, healthy, and happy Holiday Season! At BrainMD, we’re dedicated to providing the highest quality supplements to improve your physical health and overall well-being. For more information about our full list of brain healthy supplements, please visit us at BrainMD. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This content is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute for medical or healthcare advice from a physician, nor is it intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Consult your healthcare provider before beginning a new health regimen. References: 1. Beck, A., & Heinz, A. (2013). Alcohol-related aggression—Social and neurobiological factors. Deutsches Ärzteblatt International, 110(42), 711–715. https://doi.org/10.3238/arztebl.2013.0711 2. Twohig-Bennett, C., & Jones, A. (2018). The health benefits of the great outdoors: A systematic review and meta-analysis of greenspace exposure and health outcomes. Environmental Research, 166, 628–637. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.envres.2018.06.030
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Here Are 10 of the Best Ways to Have a Healthy Relationship
Unlike polar bears, humans require social interaction to stay healthy. We have a fundamental need to belong that’s just as essential as our need for food and water. Positive social connections help us live longer. Studies have shown that being in positive, warm, satisfying relationships can help keep our brains and bodies healthy into older age.¹ Unfortunately, many factors can put our relationships at risk. Emotional crises, excessive stress, and destructive behaviors can all threaten a relationship. One of the most common relationship disruptors is poor communication. Conversely, the ability to effectively communicate may help enhance relationships.² Clear Communication Poor communication is at the core of many relationship problems. Jumping to conclusions, trying to read minds, and needing to be right are only a few traits that can cause a breakdown in communication. Too often in relationships, we have expectations and hopes that we never explicitly communicate to others. We assume they should know what we need and become frustrated when they don’t accurately interpret our unspoken requests. Clear communication is essential if relationships are to be mutually satisfying. Here are ten common communication challenges and tips for how to improve your relationships… 10 Communication Breakdowns & How to Fix Them 1. Poor Attitude You expect the conversation to go nowhere, and don’t even try to steer it in a positive direction. Negative assumptions about others can feed into this poor attitude. Keeping an open mind can help improve your attitude and relationship with others. 2. Unclear Expectations Do you expect people to guess what you want? It’s great when others can anticipate your needs, but most people are too busy to be able to do it effectively. That doesn’t make them good or bad; it simply means it’s important to speak up about what you need. 3. Body Language Body language is critical because it sends both conscious and unconscious messages. When you fail to make eye contact or acknowledge others with facial expressions or body gestures, they can begin to feel lost, alone, and unenthusiastic about continuing the conversation. Eye contact and physical acknowledgment are fundamental to good communication. 4. Bad Timing Distractions frequently sabotage communication. For example, it usually isn’t a good idea to initiate an important conversation with someone when they’re wrapped up in the drama of a playoff game on TV. Shutting out distractions can help improve your communications. 5. Unclear Signals You might assume that you’re sending clear messages to the other person when, in fact, what he or she understands is completely different from what you meant. Getting feedback is vital to establishing and maintaining clear lines of communication. 6. Kitchen Sink-ing When people feel backed into a corner, they may bring up unrelated issues from the past in order to protect themselves or intensify a disagreement. Sticking to the main point can help ensure that the problem is fully discussed and resolved. 7. Mind Reading You arbitrarily predict what another person is thinking and then react to that imagined information. Mind reading is often just a projection of what you think. Asking for clarification is essential to good communication. 8. Needing to be Right When a person has to be right in a conversation, there is no communication, only a one-sided debate. Needing to be right destroys effective communication. 9. Critical Speech Using put-downs or sarcasm to discredit someone else’s ideas erodes meaningful dialogue and sets up distance in relationships. Instead of saying something negative or critical try your best to say something positive and constructive. Many times, this approach will result in a win/win for you and the other person. 10. Forgetting to Follow-up Often it takes repeated efforts to get what you need, but it’s very important not to give up on communication. When you stop asking for what you need, you often silently resent the other person, which subverts the relationship. Persistence will help you get what you need. How to Have a Healthy Relationship Relating to others in healthy, effective ways is ultimately a brain-based skill. Knowing your brain type can help you better understand who you are and why you do what you do. These insights can potentially impact your relationships in significant ways. Changing your brain can help improve your relationships. When your brain works right, you can perceive others more accurately, have good control over your emotions, and act in positive and appropriate ways that will bring people closer to you. As you protect and nurture your brain, all your relationships are likely to improve. Bottom line: don’t be like the polar bear. Be intentional about strengthening your relationships today. At BrainMD, we’re dedicated to providing the highest purity nutrients to improve your brain and overall well-being. For more information about our full list of supplements, please visit us at BrainMD. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This content is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute for medical or healthcare advice from a physician, nor is it intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Consult your healthcare provider before beginning a new health regimen. References: 1. Mineo, L. (2017, April 11). Over nearly 80 years, Harvard study has been showing how to live a healthy and happy life. Harvard Gazette. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/ 2. Johnson, M. D., Lavner, J. A., Mund, M., Zemp, M., Stanley, S. M., Neyer, F. J., Impett, E. A., Rhoades, G. K., Bodenmann, G., Weidmann, R., Bühler, J. L., Burriss, R. P., Wünsche, J., & Grob, A. (2021). Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(4), 534–549. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672211016920
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How to Set Boundaries in Relationships & Avoid the People Pleasing Trap
Setting boundaries with the people we love is powerful. It’s also difficult. Yet, this necessary act is ultimately what allows for healthy, loving relationships. What Are Boundaries? Quite simply, they’re the limits and needs we define for ourselves and express within relationships to feel safe, healthy, and comfortable. Setting a personal boundary might be declining a request from a loved one, carving out two hours for yourself on a weekend away from your family, or asking for what you need from a partner. It’s a fundamental form of self-care and a critical component of healthy relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to a friend, mate, or family member when they need to, but they’re also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships. Yet, many people-pleasers fear how a loved one might respond, and that can make boundary setting a challenge. Dr. Daniel Amen suggests answering these 5 questions to determine if you need to improve your personal boundaries with your friends and family: Are you the go-to person for everyone’s problems? Do some people treat you like a doormat? Do you often say “yes” when “no” is what you really want to say? Do others take advantage of you? Do you feel somehow obligated to help certain people, even when the support isn’t reciprocated? If any of these resonated with you, there’s a good chance you need to hone your boundary setting skills. Understanding Boundaries There are many different types of boundaries, and they’re important to know if you want to get better at expressing them. The most common are emotional/mental (feelings), physical (non-sexual touch like shaking hands, hugging), sexual, intellectual (thoughts/beliefs), material/financial, and time. Communicating and respecting each other’s boundaries makes for strong relationships. As complex human beings, we may exhibit more rigid boundaries with certain people, healthy boundaries with others, and weak or no boundaries in certain situations. Weak boundaries (called “porous” by mental health professionals) can cause a lot of stress, hurt our self-esteem, and negatively impact our mental and physical health, according to research. Porous boundaries may present as oversharing personal information with certain friends, struggling to say “no” to requests from loved ones, or getting too involved with the problems of certain friends or family members. People pleasers often have porous boundaries. They may be overly dependent on the opinions of others, accept disrespect or abuse, or fear rejection if they don’t comply with others. Of course, having rigid boundaries is the other side of the coin. These boundaries can lack communication and expression of needs and limits. They make love, respect, and intimacy more difficult. The best scenario for healthy relationships is cultivating healthy boundary setting. How to Set Boundaries with Friends and Family The big key for regular and healthy boundary setting with the people we love most is communication. If you don’t have solid communication in a relationship, setting a boundary will likely be hard. However, if you have open communication, setting boundaries will go more smoothly and be less stressful. Prepare Before you communicate anything, take time to listen and be still with your feelings. Anger usually indicates a boundary has been crossed. Check your motives. You don’t want to communicate a boundary with the hidden motive of trying to punish or control. Identify what boundary needs to be set. Be prepared to clearly explain what you mean and talk about what exactly the boundary entails. If you have troubles understanding or expressing your needs and limits, consider talking to a therapist to serve as a coach. This is especially helpful if you have strong people pleasing tendencies. Be Kind and Keep It Simple Even if you’re angry, be calm and kind when setting your boundary. Don’t overexplain it; keep it simple. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence. Be Open and Listen Once you’ve communicated your limits, allow your friend, spouse, or family member to have their reaction. Be patient with any questions they may have. Don’t react to their potentially negative response. Listen and stay open, but don’t abandon your needs. Be willing to negotiate. Pause If Heated If the communication becomes heated or isn’t fully resolved, take a break and come back to it later when you’re both calm. In the meantime, talk it over with a friend or therapist. Follow Through Remember that sometimes our loved ones have trouble adjusting to accommodate our boundaries. If they cross the boundary you set, gently restate it. It will let them know you’re serious. Final Thought Remember that you’re setting boundaries with your friends and family because you love them and want to grow closer to them. You won’t do it perfectly, and that’s okay. Your boundary setting skills will improve over time. People pleasers may feel guilty or selfish at first. That’s a sign that you’re doing the right thing! Enjoy the well-being that comes from boundary setting. At BrainMD, we’re dedicated to providing the highest purity nutrients to improve your physical health and overall well-being. For more information about our full list of brain healthy supplements, please visit us at BrainMD.
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